I've been honest about my search for religion. I've always been interested in religions, both the histories of them, dogmas and the current ways in which religions are worshiped. I think learning about what other people think about religion is also very interesting, as everyone brings something different in forms of understandings and perspectives.
That being said, after nearly 3 years, I find that I am not Jewish, as I thought I might. I find myself in a more peaceful place however. I felt very strongly at the beginning that Judaism may have been the right path for me. Perhaps it still is. I'm just not sure anymore. I do feel that it is the closest organized religion I have studied so far to come close to what I feel I can believe in, but yet it's still not the fit I want. The fit I need.
I'm honestly not sure that I will ever find the fit I think I need. My Mom informs me that at some point that's where the word faith comes in. I'm not sure I'm like that though; to have faith that in the end, it will all make sense. If I can't make the ideas make sense in my head, now, then I simply can't find meaning in the ritual, holiday or law.
So our family is back to where it began, agnostic with an always open mind. The Husband and I have discussed it, especially with the holidays coming up, and we will continue to celebrate the commercial holidays with the kids. Santa and his other holiday friends like the Easter Bunny will always be welcome. We will also continue to celebrate religious at our parents and families homes.
In the future, I'm sure I'll revisit religions again. I seem to go in cycles every few years. Each cycle I find myself restless with my current thoughts, I then search out a new religion, never fully committing (one could argue there is my actual issue, but moving forward...) to it but researching and learning from it. I then find that it isn't the fit I had hopped for and move back to agnostic. I can now add Judaism to my short list that includes Christian Reformed and Wicca.
Do I feel I "wasted" my time learning, going to services and practicing at home the ideas and rituals of Judaism? No, not at all. This cycle has been my most eye opening one of them all. I feel more rounded as a person and feel that my ideas about religion and spirituality as a whole has broadened and matured because of the ideas I learned while studying Judaism. I feel the journey was very rewarding, even if I didn't end up where I thought I would.