Sunday, December 23, 2012

Secondary Infertility

One year of trying.

One chemical pregnancy.

BBT charts that span a year and tell the story of irregular cycles, short lutuel phases and no ovulation some months.

Sperm analysis completed; perfect numbers.

One formal exam and very basic blood work for me; all fine.

One round of clomid down, a second going.

No baby.

It all comes down to it.

It's offical.

I can't deny the label anymore.

Secondary infertility

I honestly thought that before I got to my due date, December 27, the due date I should have had with the pregnancy I lost before it even really began, that I would at least be comforted by being pregnant again. I had no idea that I would be here. Nearing my due date with no baby being born and no baby on the way.

I never imagined that over the last three months that I would research everything from diets, vitamins, clomid, IUI, IVF and fostering to adopt. I'd like to tell you that I am a positive person and believe with all my might that I will still get pregnant. That next month I will be puking my guts out and glowing green due to pregnancy. That I will be able to look back at this post and say, I'm so glad to have come this far. I'm so blessed to be pregnant.

But I can't. Part of me does believe it, because I'm not willing to give it up yet, but parts of me are trying to cope with other thoughts. Thoughts of how my family might be completed other ways and accepting at the same time that it may already be complete; I just don't know it yet.

I never knew I'd feel so many different emotions. Saddness. Pain. Anger. Jealousy. Homicidal rage. I never knew that out of all of my emotions, the largest one I would feel due to secondary infertility was guilt.

I feel guilty. l feel selfish. I already have one child, can't I just be happy that I have been blessed with one child? Don't I know there are other people who don't even have one child? Don't I know that one year of trying for a baby is nothing, nothing, some couples go years, years, trying for just one baby. Don't I know that there are people who would give everthing in the world to have even one child. To have one healthy child who lived, who was born, who smiles and laughs.

But why can't I be sad that I'm having problems having another child? What makes me such a bad person to feel pain and sorrow about not having another baby? Why does it make me selfish to want so badly to give my son a sibling? Why can't I be sad about not getting pregnant while at the same time feeling grateful for my son?

But it's not the same. It's not perceived the same way. Primary infertility is sad. It makes friends and family uncomfortably sorry for you but everyone is rooting for you to have a baby. Secondary infertility? It makes your friends and family think that your overreacting; you had a baby before, you'll have one again, just "stop trying so hard" and "relax, God has a plan for you".

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to curl up in my bed. I want to break something. I want to stop taking my temperature every morning. I want to stop peeing on OPKs. I want to stop examing myself. I want to look forward to making love to my husband without the counting of what cycle day I'm on going through my head.

I want a baby.

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