Friday, August 17, 2012

So why haven't I converted yet?

Tonight is shabbat and while very traditional Jews do not use electricity (and 612 other mitzvot) I am using it to do continue to read and think about Judaism. Tonight's topic, why haven't I convented yet?

It's now going on two years since I first started considering it. I thought about it a lot tonight as I lit the shabbat candles and said the blessings with A. I was remined about the last times I made changes in my faith. 

The first time, when I picked Christianity, it was because it was familiar. I knew My Mom was a Christian as were my friends and family. It was an easy choice and at 10, I barely put any thought into it. I enjoyed youth group  because I could hang out with my friends and cute boys on Sunday night as long as I talked about the joys of Jesus at length.

Then around 13 I began questioning myself, my opinions and thoughts; 13 year olds have a way of being pain in the asses like that. I had a friend from out of town who practiced Wicca and she said I would like it. So I practiced Wicca, liberally, for about three years or so. It was interesting to say the least but wasn't quite right.

Then at 17 I started dating the man I dated before The Husband. We were pen pals originally, it started when I was 13 and he was 15; we met in a Yahoo chat room circa 1998. We later started dating when he came over to finish his bachelors at Caltech on a student visa. He is one of two guinnesses I have ever met in real life.

The first one was my first husband who I married at age 5 after he gave me a plastic spider ring. Classy. He was the son of my mom's best friend and he had such beautiful eyes and the best bike on our block.  He is now the director of debate at MSU Honors College.

The second guiness holds a Ph.D in physics and is a postdoctoral fellow (yes I had to look up what that meant) at Stanford. It is a completely crazy story, our 3 year relationship. And yes, I stalked him recently through Google to see what he was up to, The Husband knows. I really do wish him all the best at his research of particles and strings and math. Well anyways, dating a scientist was, interesting. He had no tolerance for religion and I simply let my beliefs go because trying to debate religion with a scientist was just easier.

So then I was nothing for a long time because it was just easier to be lazy. Not an atheist, more agnostic. Open to the idea of G-d but not sure where I stood. That was fine for the longest time.

So now, when I'm pretty sure I have a new path to follow, I'm a bit hesitant. I don't want to look back at this path years from now and add it to the other paths I've taken along the way. I hope that my hesitance is simply because I want to get it right this time. Get it right for me, just for me.

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