Thursday, August 2, 2012


*I have to write this out. Because I don't have any where else to write it. Because the dream is already fading.

I had a dream last night. It was the one of those that seems so real that when you wake up, you’re left lingering in the dream, still feeling the emotions you had in it.

I was nursing a small boy. His head was full of brown hair and he was wearing a light green onsie, the one A. use to wear, that says “Mommy’s little monster” with a small, cute monster on the front.

He’s nursing on my left side, perfect latch. A champ at nursing. His fingers are tiny but past the curl around your finger stage. We’re sitting outside. It seems like in a forest. Or trees. I don’t know where or why. But it’s sunny and calm.

He breaks the latch and I have to relatch him. I tell him, “Samuel, open your mouth” and show him the “O”. I use to do that with A. The latacian consultant said to do it, maybe A. would mimic it, she said. He never did.

He, Samuel, nurses for just a few seconds more before finishing. I burp him and lay him next to me.

Then I woke up.

It’s the kind of dream that is in the same moment, the best dream you could have and the worst. It’s the best dream because in my brain, it’s what I want most. It’s the worst dream because it’s not happening anytime soon.

I got up and got dressed. Fed the cats and walked the dog. A. woke up and I got him downstairs. We played Lego Pirates for a few minutes before Papa and Yaya got there.

I smiled at A. even though I was sad inside. I'm still suprised I'm sad. I still feel odd that I'm sad. I still haven't told more than a handfull of people. It seems weird now. Like it didn't happen. I know one miscarriage and eight months of TTC isn't much or long at all. I know.

So I tried to enjoy my moment with A. Remind myself that I am lucky. I have a wonderful little boy. Here. Now. The reminder helped. A bit.

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