Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The words don't matter, the memory does

Tonight was, well, shitty when it came to putting A. down to sleep. He seems to go in these cycles, where he will go to bed with absolutely no issues and then he will have a night where he just freaks out. I'm talking screaming, kicking, thrashing around so bad it takes both of us to get his meds down, brush his teeth, change his diaper (yes, he's still in diapers) and change him into pj's. His screaming eventually turns to crying and then sobbing and then sniffling. The whole process probably takes a good half an hour and everyone is exhausted when it's done.

We're never sure what causes them, we don't seem to do anything different from night to night, or eat different foods, or who knows what causes them. But tonight, like most freak out nights, I ended up rubbing his back as I sang shema to him, twice. It occured to me as I was singing that I do exactly what My Mom always did, make up parts of the song. In my case it's because I don't know how to say the words yet. My temple sings a different version then the normal shema but my version goes even a bit different from theirs, mine goes:

Shema Yisrael, Adonai, Eloheinu, Adonai, Adonai, Eḥad
Shema Yisrael, Adonai, Eloheinu, Adonai, Adonai, Eḥad
Baruch Shem Kavod [and this is where I hum because I can't say "Malchuto LeOlam V'aed"]
Shema Yisrael, Adonai, Eloheinu, Adonai, Adonai, Eḥad

As I sang it the second time I found myself smiling because suddenly I could remember every single word to the lullaby My Mom use to sing to my brother and me. I don't know when she began singing it to me and I sadly, can't remember when she stopped, but it was about the time I went into 4th or 5th grade.

Lullaby and goodnight
Go to sleep my little darling
Lullaby and goodnight
Go to sleep my darling one
Lullaby and goodnight
Go to sleep my little darling
Lullaby and goodnight
Go to sleep my darling one

Creative, no :) I actually asked My Mom a few years ago and she laughed stating that she was never a creative one and out of desperation one night just kept repeating the only two lines she knew. The funny thing of course is, if I heard someone else sing it I would think it was a bit off, but I can still close my eyes now and hear my mom's voice singing. I hope A. will remember my singing, even if it isn't that good or even the right words.

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