Monday, April 23, 2012

I'm going to be taking a break

There's no good way to even work into this so I'm going to just say it... I was pregnant. But I'm not anymore.

To be technical, I had a chemical pregnancy. That sounds so cold. It makes it sound like I wasn't even really that pregnant. But I guess that's true. After all, the fertilized egg never even attached so it could grow. It simply had the potential to grow. I simply lost a clump of cells. I simply had such an early miscarriage that it wasn't even a clinical pregnancy.

But I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. I am one of those freakish women who knows about 3 days after ovulation. I fall asleep on the couch at 7:30. I have to pee every two hours. I get instantly sick to my stomach. When I blow my nose it's bloody, every time. I can smell the craziest smells. My lower stomach (uterus) tingles. I can't remember the simplest things like where I just sat down my cell phone, 30 seconds ago. I felt this exact way with A. and it sounds dumb, but I just knew that I was pregnant.

So when I tested early, eight days past ovulation and six days before my missed period, it came back positive, I wasn't that surprised. I tested positive with A. at nine days past ovulation. The difference this time was that A.'s pregnancy test was an immediate strong positive. This one, it took a full two minutes and the line was very faint, but could be seen by both The Husband and I. It was a positive.

I am aware of the "dangers" of testing so early. I am aware of current statistics and articles that warn chemical pregnancies are common and most women have them without even knowing. I understand that as all of the articles suggest, if I had just not tested, I wouldn't have ever even gotten my hopes up. I am aware the articles make it my fault I tested so early. But I tested to confirm what I already knew.

We were cautious but excited all that night. We talked about how we would tell our parents and friends. I went to bed snuggled in The Husband's arms wondering if it was a boy or a girl. If it would have a nose like A. and how much hair the baby would be born with. I worried how A. would react to having a sibling. I went to sleep smiling. We were having a baby. I was pregnant.

Wanting to be sure and honestly, wanting to see another positive, I took a test the next morning, half way through the night when I had to pee. It came back so light it looked negative. I thought it was wrong. Maybe I'd done it wrong. It was surely wrong. The Husband said it was probably a bad test and to test again later.

I went to work upset and deflated but I had work to do, clients to see and check lists to send, Fridays are always a rush to the finish. I tried to go through my day like normal. But around lunch I began getting a throbbing, mind numbing intense headache and cramping. It didn't hit me until I had scheduled an in-person interview with a very pregnant client for later that afternoon, that this pregnancy was not going how it should. I had to go home.

On my way I stopped and picked up three kinds of tests, two digital and one regular, all early detections. They were all negative. Three tests laying there. All negative. I cried and crawled into bed.

My Mom and A. came home from play date at this point and I couldn't keep it in. I didn't know if The Husband would be upset (he wasn't) and told her everything. She was comforting and hugged me.

I called my OB who told me to go and get a HCG test that afternoon so she could find out where my levels were. I waited until The Husband came home because at that point I was so dizzy and hurting, I needed him to drive me.

Once I got home I laid down and took a three hour nap. I woke up and the cramps had almost went away and I had only a mild headache. I was still horribly nauseous. I still felt pregnant.

My in-laws offered to take A. for the night and we went to drop him off. I had told My Father-in-law earlier what was going on as he was my ride home from the office (we carpool). When we got there we let My Mother-in-law and Sister-in-law know what was going on. They reassured us to try to be positive.

We went out to dinner. We didn't discuss the pregnancy. When we got home, The Husband went straight to sleep and I watched episodes of Bones. The weekend went on. I felt like we were just waiting for it to end.

Today I stayed home from work. I could have went. I probably should have went. I had work to do. Work I'm now behind on and will take me the next two weeks of busting my ass to get back on top of. But I just couldn't get out of bed. Mom said she would handle A. like any other Monday but I got up with him and got him ready for school. I was still dizzy so Mom took him.

Once I got A. ready I called my OB. The nurse said the results had just come in but hadn't been read, someone would call. I went to bed and waited. When the nurse called she flatly stated "Your test came back. You're not pregnant". I sat there for several seconds and then asked what my levels were, she shuffled papers and said "Uh low, you have to have at least a 10 for a viable pregnancy and you don't. You're not pregnant." I said I understood and hung up. My levels were too low for a pregnancy. It was confirmed. I wasn't pregnant.

I didn't cry, like I thought I would. Instead, I just wanted to sleep. I slept until it was time to pick A. from school. I suprised him and Mom and took us out for lunch.

The Husband was disappointed, that I wasn't pregnant. I am disappointed and sad. Much more sad then I even expected to be. I honestly feel so stupid about how sad I feel. I was barely even pregnant. I feel stupid for even saying I was pregnant. I feel stupid for saying I had a miscarriage. I never heard a heart beat, or felt a kick, or saw a face on an ultrasound. Besides my gut feelings and one faint pregnancy test, there's not even any proof.

How can I be this sad? How can I be sad about something that barely even happened. But I am. I am sad.

The only thing I've got left is the pictures I took of A. and the sign I had him hold to tell The Husband.

Doesn't he have the best smile?

***Just know, this isn't something I'm putting on FB. I know, it seems weird, why put it on an open blog but not on FB. But trust me, I don't wish to discuss this with every backwards third cousin of The Husband's.

1 comment:

sanctimomious said...

I'm so sorry. Any loss is heartbreaking. Thinking of you.